Monday 17 December 2012

Hotel Creative Writing for Publication

A tribute to the NUI (National University of Ireland) writing course and its tutors Suzanne Power and John MacKenna.


 
Hotel Creative Writing for Publication 
Words by Ruby Barnes 
to the tune of Hotel California by The Eagles
 
On a Kilkenny footpath, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of ambition and a thousand euro to spare
 Up ahead in the distance I saw the light of success
Suzanne Power in her floral prints and John McKenna’s string vest.
 
There they stood in the doorway, Joan of Arc and William Tell
And I was thinking to myself this could be Heaven or this could be Hell
 Then she lit up a candle and she showed us the way
There were voices down the corridor I thought I heard them say
 
(Chorus)
Welcome to Creative Writing for Publication
Such a lovely place, but not a luvvies’ place
Freedom to dream of imminent publication
Any time of year light the candle here 
And face your fear.

If your character’s twisted - he killed a guy with a bar
Or your bloke is checking out the good-looking girl with no bra
 Just channel those weirdos, talk out loud for a week
Ignore the strange glances of those who think you’re a freak.
 
Now let’s tweak the narrator - first person post modernist
Third person omniscient, second person horribly pissed
 And map out the timeline - flashback, backfill and so on
And if it gets confusing, kill someone or take off your thong.
  
(Chorus)
Welcome to Creative Writing for Publication
Such a lovely place, but not a luvvies’ place
Freedom to dream of imminent publication
Any time of year light the candle here 
And face your fear.

So we face the non-fiction but are lacking in stimuli
All thoughts of a memoir guaranteed to bring a tear to each eye
 Master McKenna’s chamber applies his music therapy
We listen to each other’s shite then smile and nod happily
 
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
 ‘No way’ said Ms Power, 'You are programmed to critique.
Life will never be the same, you all have Writer’s Disease.'
 
(Chorus)
Farewell Creative Writing for Publication
Such a lovely place, but not a luvvies’ place
We’re heading for imminent publication
Any time of year light the candle here 
And face your fear.
 
 
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3 comments:

  1. LMAO!
    BEST. RE-WRITE. EVER!
    I think the Eagles would approve.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aw brilliant. Captures it perfectly. And having experienced the Power/MacKenna magic myself, I can relate.

    ReplyDelete