Wednesday, 2 January 2019

How to Stay Looking Good, Put on Muscle and Survive the Christmas Hangover

A few simple steps will serve you well over the festive season. You'll look younger, feel stronger and hitt the new year with a running start.

Step 1 - Head to a reasonable clothes outlet (e.g. Next or River Island) and buy a pair of those smart jeans with the stretch fabric. Buy a new top too, something with high cotton content and just a little loose.

Step 2 - Shave that beard. What? You didn't grow the pre-Christmas beard? Didn't you get the memo? Shave the beard down to stubble and keep it that length for the duration. Don't mind about female family member complaints after Christmas kisses - they secretly like the abrasion. Step 2 is optional for the ladies (at a certain angle and in a certain light that upper lip shadow can be very attractive).

Step 3 - Adopt a Christmas and New Year exercise routine. This should be muscle intensive e.g. 3 sets of pushups and 3 sets of squats. Do this every other day with increasing intensity. E.g. 3 sets of 10 squats at the start, working up to 3 sets of 40 by the end with extra weight (a small child on your shoulders or your life partner on your back, for example).

Step 4 - Eat everything that comes near you. How else are you going to gain weight?

Step 5 - Drink everything that comes near you. You're going to need hydration with all that exercise.

Now watch yourself develop. The weight gain should be at least half a stone (7lb). You know this is muscle because your trousers aren't getting tighter (stretch) but your shirt (wash frequently) is getting more snug around the shoulders.

Step 6 - Decrease your intake of turkey and ham as the meat's consumability moves from "probably still okay" to "wouldn't give that to the dog". (Don't throw the remaining ham in the compost bin like last year, when it got stuck to the bottom and didn't come out til Easter. Don't even want to talk about what that was like.)

Step 7 - Gradually change your liquid intake to less carbs. The cans of beer that you used to hydrate yourself in between Christmas day meals should be changed to wine. Start with red, migrate to rosé and white, then move on to the gin & tonic. Over the course of two weeks, not all in one day. Gin & tonic is practically a health drink. Put fruit and vegetables in it. Make sure your Christmas presents included a breathalyser. Never, Ever drink and drive.

You should reach your destination in good shape (mentally) with a solid muscle gain (mentally) and having had a good time. Reality will hit in due course but we'll deal with that when we come to it.
You're welcome.

This blog post is written in the spirit of this is how it turned out so I'll pretend that was my intention from the start.

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